I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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