i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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