I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
