Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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