I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
