I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
