is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
