Already got asked if we're dating
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Be still, my beating vagina.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Randomize
