I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
