i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My cat gives me a boner
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
