My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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