I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
MIDGETS
????
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
