i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
