You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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