I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
