quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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