i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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