I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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