I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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