Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
