I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
