Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
