That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize