i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
is wine microwaveable?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
