I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
