I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize