I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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