You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
