just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
