I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
