OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
