i permit you to call me
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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