My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
