If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
