I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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