I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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