my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
