Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize