There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
