you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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