I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
