I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
