I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
