if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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