I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She's the barista slut.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
