forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
