eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
