I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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