People in love make me want to vomit
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
