As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize