just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
