im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
