u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
