I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
