I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
