Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize