How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
