I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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