Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
