I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
as a side note pls kill me
Couch. On fire.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
